It’s only semantics!

I am a trailing spouse. I don’t find it the most flattering of titles, it makes me feel like Virginia Creeper, ivy or a loose thread on his coat tails, with a definite inference that I am dragging on his heels. But it is better than some: to come behind; to follow; to pursue; to lag, or to be at heel. And then there’s that lovely expression ‘to blaze the trail.’

Dependent spouse has been about for a while, but seems childlike or servile, and has suggestions of being an encumbrance. The thesaurus provides a long list of related words with negative connotations like: burden; millstone; impedimenta and albatross around the neck! I like it even less than housewife, which sounds positively mediaeval. And yet when I look up housewife, it is there in the same category as manager, director, governing body, kingmaker …and circus manager!

Travelling spouse was one I really liked until I discovered that it is apparently preserved for those expatriate employees away on mission.

My husband suggested supporting spouse, and I have decided I rather liked that – it hints at a participating  role in the decision to choose a nomadic lifestyle, and it gives credit for the hard work we do packing up old homes and setting up new ones.  A supporter may be a follower, but she also strengthens, endorses and vindicates.  A supporting actor even wins Oscars and is often the strength behind the star.

I think I can finally can get past the semantics after twenty odd years of trail blazing! We, the dependent spouses, choose to support our partner’s job choices – giving up our own jobs, career plans, homes and extended family so that our partners can chase interesting career opportunities in other cities, other countries. Once upon a time this would have had a different impact: families left at home to await the return of the main bread winner; or else boarding schools and childless homes in remote postings. These days, thanks to the proliferation of international schools, the kids’ roots are with us. “Home is where my pillow is” as someone told me the other day.

My husband and I have always had a very equal partnership, despite my general lack of financial contribution, and our preference for expat living has been a mutual decision that has given us a wonderful life. It has had its ups and downs, but the adventures have been worth any short-term issues.

We do it together. Our roles may be different but they work in tandem. To conclude, I quote from that iconic movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and that wonderful line from Mrs. Portokalos: ‘The man is the head, but the woman is the neck, and she can turn the head any way she wants.’

And let’s face it,  sometimes it’s far less scary to provide the back-up rather than leaping headlong into the battle!